Prime Time Crime

(Prime Time Crime exclusive Apr.  5, 2014)

Bad Boys 

The 2013 report by the Office of the Police Complaints Commissioner 2013 year-in-review report  (.pdf) contains an assortment of peccadillos with penalties ranging from Dismissal to Reprimands.  A few cases (very few, fortunately) involved serious breaches such as possession of cocaine, selling information, consorting with criminals, etc. and the penalties were well-deserved.  No one wants people like that on the job because they’re a danger to us all.  Others, however, remind us of an atmosphere of political correctness that’s become almost oppressive and has turned what used to be the most fun job in the world into a sterile place where you’re walking on eggshells all day. 

As can be seen in the Report itself, you’ll likely draw a greater penalty for offending someone than you will for being careless with your firearm and the latest target in the war on humor is ‘sex toys’.  Yes boys & girls, dildos are no laughing matter and to show they’re taking a no-nonsense approach, a member of the Victoria Police Department was given a 4 day suspension and ordered to seek psychological counselling after touching another member with a ‘sex toy’ during the search of a residence. 

This is serious business so I’ll try and keep it on an adult level but the one-liners are leaping off the keyboard.   I’m told there’s a little more to it than what is in the report.  Matter of fact, there’s a lot more to it but as far as the incident itself goes, there are few tasks in police work more boring than spending hours collecting, documenting, and tagging property.  The need to break the monotony occasionally gives rise to a bit of horseplay which is what happened here.  The operative word is ‘play’ which is why they call them ‘toys’.  The complaint was made by a 3rd party who was ‘offended’ but these days once that juggernaut starts rolling there’s no stopping it. 

I’m trying to imagine the reaction of the late Sergeant Bill Donald who I worked for in the 70s if some PC came to him & said “Sarge, Wilson’s waving a sex toy at me.  Make him stop!”  If he was lucky, Bill might have been able to utter the words “He’s waving a WHAT at you???” before collapsing on the floor in a fit of maniacal laughter so severe he’d still be trying to catch his breath at the end of shift.  The worst that would happen is that Wilson would be told to stop it but now it’s 4 days off and a trip to the shrink.  Not to mention a huge, lengthy, expensive process with money flowing into lawyers’ pockets, etc. 

Then I couldn’t help but wonder how they worded the charge.   “PC Wilson, did, on or about (insert date), brandish an offensive object, to wit: a large, artificial phallus, known variously by the model names of Ron Jeremy Special, Mr. Xtacy, or The Big Bruiser, and did poke PC Bloggins in the ribs with it, such conduct likely to bring discredit upon the Force”. 

Then again, it might have been just an accident which is why I was taught as a child never to run with one of those things in my hand. 

Bob Cooper is a retired Vancouver policeman.  He walked a beat in Chinatown and later worked in the Asian Organized Crime Section and the Homicide Squad.

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