Prime Time Crime


(Published in the Abbotsford News week of Nov. 21, 2005)

Modern-Day Fractured Fairy Tale

John Pifer

Once upon a time, Carol and Gordo and the two Mikeys were playing in the schoolyard, talking about learning to get along better, and to stop taking cheap potshots at one another.

After months of trying to come to any agreement on how long recess should be, or what the important issues of the neighbourhood were, they were desperate to find something they all could support, if only to look good for a while to their parents and teachers et al.

Our Gordo had just been declared boss by a majority of the kids at school, putting his team in charge, which had ticked off whiny Carol, who had done everything she could to be boss, but failed.  However, the two Mikeys, despite years of distrust and doublecross, were actually starting to get along pretty well, keeping all of the Gordo and Carol supporters in line, with a minimum of screaming and complaining.

Then one day as Christmas break drew near, in a super-secret meeting in the basement of the school, the four of them hit on the perfect scheme, fuelled by the best possible motive that they all could cheer and support.  The plan was to take in more of everything for themselves – more ice cream, more playtime, more Ipods, more, more, more – but only for themselves and their teams of supporters, not for anyone else, kid or no kid.

They swore blood-brother oaths (and blood-sister ones, too) that they would stay true to one another and defend their decision against any outrage or upset among “The Others”.

At a regular school assembly, little Mikey de Jong stepped forward to announce the More-for-Me proposal. Winking at his new friend Mikey Farnworth, Mikey Number One spelled out the plan, asked for all the insiders’ support to make it happen … and presto, it was done.

And that, to put it somewhat impolitely, was when the shit hit the fan!

The teachers were angry and upset, the school janitors were outraged, and all the kids and adults that had been left out of the special deal were madder than hell … because they all wanted a piece of the pie, a bite of the apple, a taste of the gravy … Well, you get my drift.

Whiny Carol was the first to crack under the pressure of the outrage, picking up her ball and storming off the field, saying she had made a big boo-boo, thus basically hanging Gordo and Mikey de Jong out to dry.

That ghastly James girl figured she could make everyone think she was so caring, considerate and compassionate … even though she had gleefully gone along with the plan whole hog (if you will excuse the expression), before that aforementioned fan was hit by flying excrement.

In the end, Gordo and his Mikey stormed off in a huff, collapsing the entire plan, and berating whiny Carol for being a two-faced, double-crossing, weak-kneed wuss.

So now there are no extra goodies for the playground leaders and their sycophantic team members … at least, not for now, anyways.

Ah, kids these days …

Veteran B.C. journalist/broadcaster John Pifer may be reached at


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