Prime Time Crime


(Published in the Similkameen Spotlight week of Nov. 8, 2004)

Hollywood Refugees - Yeah, Right

  By John Martin

Canada’s refugee system is an international laughing stock and the globe’s preferred destination for war criminals, terrorists, murderers, drug dealers and other low-lifes.  It is well known around the world that all you need do to become a Canadian is show up at the border, eat your passport and say the magic “R” word – “Refugee”.  Chances are that will get you all the benefits of Canadian citizenship.  And if the Canadian authorities are in the least way sceptical, which is unlikely, all that’s required is some bogus story about being persecuted back home.

The system has seen minor improvements in the last few years but is still considered a soft touch and unlikely to turn anyone away who puts on an act.  Well, according to media reports, it appears that our borders are about to be inundated with a whole new breed of refugee – American liberals who don’t like George W. Bush.

Yup, apparently the number of Americans turning to Canada’s immigration website has increased six-fold since Tuesday’s romp that firmly returned Mr. Bush to the White House. Go cry in your imported bottled water you liberal losers. In the days following the election the number of Americans to log on to jumped as high as 100,000 and more.

Another website,, offers advice on an even quicker method to become a Canadian - marry one.  It too has been inundated with Bush haters.

But you know something? I’m not buying it.  Somehow I just can’t see all these limousine riding liberals, who like to sip their four dollar lattes and talk about what an idiot Bush is, coming up here and finding their taxes just went up 100%.  And wait till all these liberal squish-heads discover that it typically takes two years of pain and suffering to even get close to the top of a surgery list in this soon to be third world country.

But the richest part in all this is listening to the movie stars whine and cry about their once again, legitimately elected, Commander In Chief.  What a hoot.  Watching all those anti-Bush, Hollywood types stumbling in and out of their rehab centres, stopping to mug for the cameras between court appearances, and promising they’ll leave the country if Bush is re-elected.

Well, he won and he won decisively.  So when do Sean Penn and Alec Baldwin start packing their things?  Do you think Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins have been logging online and checking out rental accommodations in Regina yet?  And what about their cocaine connections?  You know, it’s really going to be just like starting all over again, isn’t it?

But this is what we’re hearing.  The jet set, New York socialites and west coast sophisticated, cappuccino slurping, Birkenstock wearing, gun-hating, vegetarian types are all threatening to come up to Canada now that their billionaire gigolo succumbed to the democratic process.  What a bunch of pathetic sore losers.

 These are the know-it-alls who tell you to get rid of your SUV as they criss-cross the country in a private jet.  These are the much-smarter-than-you-and-I types that talk lots about disenfranchised minorities while living in gated communities with private security guards that would shoot the first Black or Mexican that tried to scale the fence.

I’m reminded of the spoiled, little brat that swears he’s going to hold his breath till he turns blue and dies if he doesn’t get a new dirt bike.  Inevitably, he’s all talk.  And so are Rob Reiner (they don’t call him Meathead for nothing) and Janeane Garafalo.  And don’t even get me started on George Clooney or Sheryl Crow.

I suspect much the same will be the case with the rest of the liberal elite intelligentsia.  So long as Juanita and the rest of their undocumented servants continue to serve them poolside, I doubt too many of the pampered upper crust will find their way to Winnipeg anytime soon. 

I’m sure the flow of terrorists, organized crime bosses and mass murderers will continue to storm Canada’s refugee hearing rooms.  But as long as we avoid the Ed Asner’s and Barbara Streisand’s; as long as we don’t have to open the doors to the Whoopi Goldberg’s and Jane Fonda’s, I guess we should count ourselves fortunate.

John Martin is a Criminologist at the University College of the Fraser Valley and can be contacted at

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