Prime Time Crime  

By John Pifer

As a columnist and commentator, your humble correspondent often receives secret government documents. This week, I can reveal the latest such material, received this week, which apparently details some of the final plans for the Vancouver/Whistler Olympic Games in 2010.

The identity of the high-level, top-secret memo writer is not known even to this writer; but it is obvious that she or he knows the Wet Coast well, as much of the document provides an insight that could only come from someone on the inside, someone who has lived here for most of their life.

Here are some of the memos highlights:

·       The opening ceremony will feature a re-enactment of the history of the government of British Columbia, performed by a professional clown troupe, a used car salesman, and a life-sized model of Fantasy Gardens. A flock of peace doves will be released to celebrate Canada's freedoms. (The doves will be available in several local dining establishments, shortly after the ceremony).

·       Next will be an exciting display of synchronized SUV parking after which the SUVs will be stolen. This will be followed by a large variety of performances celebrating the diversity of Canada's culture. Riot police will be in attendance to keep the performers apart.

·       A separate, simultaneous opening ceremony will be held in French. This event will be lavishly funded by the federal government, and will receive extensive coverage on CBC-TV only. It is expected to have a total of up to seven attendees, and perhaps as many as a dozen viewers.

·       Fencing from Surrey: Matches will be between national teams of six or more individuals, each issued with a combination of machetes, knives and lengths of steel pipe, all of whom will start with a flimsy excuse for fighting.

·        100m hurdles: On Commercial Drive -- competitors must complete the race while carrying a DVD player and a 32 television set. The competitors are free to perform the event as many times as they wish. The original plans to include a police dog chasing the competitors, were dropped due to concerns about the lack of realism.

·       Vancouver Modern Pentathlon: Venue -- downtown Eastside. This event has been amended to include panhandling, squeegeeing, beer can collecting, passing the drug-laden baton relay race, and shopping cart racing. The use of crystal meth amphetamine is optional, and the usual Olympic drug testing will be waived.

·       Bobsled Racing: This event has been cancelled because the provincial government has deemed bobsleds to be vehicles, which must be certified as roadworthy. None of the international competitors were able to afford the compulsory ICBC insurance premiums.

·       Closing Ceremony: The closing ceremony will begin with a fly-over of the entire Canadian Forces helicopter fleet. Spectators are advised to stay well clear of the flight path of both of the choppers. In an exciting event without precedent, the ceremony will feature the athletes being evicted from the Athletes Village, an illegal squat in Stanley Park. It is expected that the subsequent court cases will be made into a five-year television sitcom series.

With almost six years left to go before the Olympics here, there are certain to be more such stunning links from within the 2010 Games tent, and we will be certain to present them to you, dear reader(s)!

Veteran B.C. journalist/broadcaster John Pifer may be reached at jwpifer@shaw.ca.